Please read the story with caution. You may find the content distressing or traumatic and if you do, please take a break and maybe call a friend, or engage in an activity that will help ground you. Love, Team Sh! xx
My vaginismus story started from the time I was ready to even talk about sex. I’ve never been able to have penetrative sex, it isn’t something that was brought on by having a baby or an event in my later life like it is for a lot of women. I never knew what was wrong or why I couldn’t have sex, just that I was frightened and that it was incredibly painful for me, I had never been able to put in a tampon either. My first boyfriend at 15 was abusive, not something I realised until my later years. There were many forced sexual encounters which I believe is when the vaginismus crept in and stayed. It wasn’t until I was 17 that I saw a gynaecologist after realising I probably should be able to use tampons and have sex if I would like to. My first gynaecologist was a man and he was horrific, he tried to use a speculum and when I screamed and cried in pain he told me I was overreacting, rolled his eyes at me and said he couldn’t do an exam. He told me to sit in the waiting chair outside, I remember a nurse coming up to me and giving me some paracetamol. I was 17, alone, crying in a hospital and felt like something was severely wrong with me. After that I saw a woman gynaecologist and she told me I have Vaginismus and Vulvodynia. This was so healing for me to finally find out what was going on, that there was a term for it, and other women experience the exact same thing as me. She told me how common it is too.
There was a lot of pressure from people in my life from when I found out my diagnosis, to do physiotherapy, to use dilators, to move past it quickly. I had doctors give me lorazepam, tell me to have a couple of drinks, tell me to just relax, tell me it’s all in my head. I had people tell me no one would want to date me or be with me long term if I didn’t fix my vaginismus and vulvodynia. For me and as others will know in this community, it wasn’t that simple. It took me many years to come to terms with it, I was embarrassed and always hated having a conversation about it with someone I was dating. I always felt that I wasn’t enough which lead me to pick people who ultimately thought the same. Then one day, it clicked, I don’t have to tell anyone anything, I don’t owe any man an explanation either. From there, I knew that it would only help me weed out the men who didn’t know how to love or be intimate with someone other than shoving their penis in someone. My vaginimus always served me in weeding out these men. When dating someone new, I used to say “I don’t like or enjoy penetrative sex, I find it painful and uncomfortable. Would you be open to trying other things?”. I had a fabulous sex life after I held myself with confidence and didn’t explain my life story. I’m now in a beautiful, loving relationship with a man who couldn’t care less about penetrative sex. There are men, women and people who do not hold penetrative sex as a be all and end all of a passionate, loving and healthy sex life.
I’m now 26, I still live with vaginimus and vulvodynia but I’ve had some progress after years of physiotherapy on and off as well as CBT therapy. I can now insert a tampon (laying down on my bed, woohoo! lol). I really wanted to share my story because a lot of the time I see that vaginismus comes on later in life for people and they’re able to work through it quickly but for me, it’s something I’ve always lived with and I just wanted to share that it’s okay if this is you too.
